Clients from Hell
[Client sent me some complex logos (as JPEGs) in order to vectorize them.]
Client: “What exactly is taking so long? If I knew it would take so long, I’d have done it myself.”
Me: “Vectorizing the logos takes some time because—”
Client: “Time? Renaming files from *.jpg to *.eps takes time?!”
Clients From Hell
Client: “What’s my username?”
Me: “It’s your first name, a space and then your last name.”
Client: ”How am I supposed to remember that?”
Clients From Hell
Me: “Okay, so here are some rough concepts I’ve worked up. Once you’ve -“
Client (interrupting): “What the hell am I looking at? These look like scribbles my five-year-old could do.”
Me: “Oh, they’re just roughs to get the concept figured out, once we have that done I’ll begin work on the finished piece.”
Client: “How am I supposed to decide which illustration I like if I can’t see them all finished. Finish them and then I’ll decide which one to use.”
Me: “Well, I can certainly do that, but just so you’re aware, I will have to raise me fees to cover the costs of bringing each of these concepts to finish.”
Client: “Who do you think you are to make demands?! I’m the client, I get to make the demands! It’s not like this is a real job anyway, all you’re doing is drawing.”
Clients from Hell
Me: “Did you get the files I sent you?”
Client: “Yes, but they were huge!”
Me: “The files I sent you were well under the limit of something you could email.”
Client: “They were 122 mega bitmaps each.”
Me: ”They were both a little over 1MB, which is a fairly small file.”
Client: “I don’t care how many megabytes they were. It’s all those bitmaps that are bringing my computer to its knees!”
Clients From Hell
Me: “Well sir, the total for your new logo, business cards and menu designs is $350.”
Client: “Are you kidding me? The reason I chose a student designer was to get something cheap, plus help you out for your portfolio. I could have went to a professional and paid much less.”
Me: “Um, that’s not true. I spent a lot of time dealing with your daughter who insisted on multiple revisions to the logo, and you ended up with a look that everyone is pleased with. This same project might have cost you 10 times the amount I’m charging you. I think it’s a great deal.”
Client: “I highly doubt that. It’s just words and colors. Plus, our satisfaction has nothing to do with the amount we pay you. I’ll send you a check for what I think is fair.”
I got a check for 100 bucks. With “here you go asshole” written in the memo.
Clients from Hell
Client: “How about we pay you in free alcohol?”
Me: “Only if I can make your poster out of macaroni noodles.”
Clients From Hell
Client: “I decided I want one of the illustrations you already did for my logo and I am going to use it for the background on my checks.”
Me: “A logo is usually a simple graphic used to represent your business, in your case, the book series and characters. The illustrations are a bit too detailed for that purpose. How about I simplify the characters and series title and create a logo?”
Client: “Why can’t you just shrink the picture down to the size of the check?”
Me: “The artwork is 12” square and proportionally will not work in a rectangle.”
Client: “Wait, hold on… you know I don’t understand you when you use those technical terms.”
Me: “By proportionally I mean…”
Client: “No not that word, the other one you said. It won’t work in a what?”
Me: “Rectangle?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “Um, a rectangle is the shape of your checkbook.”
Client: “Oh ok.”
Clients From Hell
The client sent me a 30+MB file that my mail server could not support. I suggested he send the file via You Send It. Client: I have not had time to do that. I must say, I find it very strange that you don’t have the equipment to open a simple picture. How can I be trusting you with my website, when you don’t have the ability to even open and post a picture? I’m very confused by this. Also, I do pay you to build and maintain the site, and so you should have the equipment necessary to do so. It is implied that you SHOULD have and understand the equipment and programs needed to develop, support and protect the sites you are responsible for. Then you tell me you can’t open a picture? That does not sit well with me. Do you understand my growing concern?
